April 14th, 2019

Rizhao, China

It just keeps fucking raining over and over and over. 

Why won’t it stop?

I’ve moved three times in the last year. Put in notice with a job, then that same job fired me. Started a new job. 

Dad died so I had the bright FUCKING idea to move to China. Then I moved to another city because my company is full of shit.

Planned a funeral.

Filed for life insurance.

Started/ended a relationship with someone who wanted to save me. 

Started cutting – again.

Wanted to die for an entire year.

Depended on weed for everyday tasks. 

Binge drank (side note, I am working on this)

Broke my own heart by falling for a master bullshitter who made me feel like too much and too little all at the same time. Crazy huh? 

Loving myself is a got damn task. Feeling home in my body doesn’t exist. I just want a little sunshine…is that too much to ask for? 

I am so lonely here in this new city. Although technically I’m the foreigner here -this space feels uniquely foreign and strange. 

I am proud of myself, yet disappointed. I feel that I am too much, yet I also feel I am not enough. I feel unseen by the world sometimes. Can’t anyone see that I’m hurting?

I just need a break. I need to hug my grandma. I need to play with my sweet dog. I need everything I can’t have, and I want to be everything I can’t seem to be. 

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