April 14th, 2019
It just keeps fucking raining over and over and over.
Why won’t it stop?
I’ve moved three times in the last year. Put in notice with a job, then that same job fired me. Started a new job.
Dad died so I had the bright FUCKING idea to move to China. Then I moved to another city because my company is full of shit.
Planned a funeral.
Filed for life insurance.
Started/ended a relationship with someone who wanted to save me.
Started cutting – again.
Wanted to die for an entire year.
Depended on weed for everyday tasks.
Binge drank (side note, I am working on this)
Broke my own heart by falling for a master bullshitter who made me feel like too much and too little all at the same time. Crazy huh?
Loving myself is a got damn task. Feeling home in my body doesn’t exist. I just want a little sunshine…is that too much to ask for?
I am so lonely here in this new city. Although technically I’m the foreigner here -this space feels uniquely foreign and strange.
I am proud of myself, yet disappointed. I feel that I am too much, yet I also feel I am not enough. I feel unseen by the world sometimes. Can’t anyone see that I’m hurting?
I just need a break. I need to hug my grandma. I need to play with my sweet dog. I need everything I can’t have, and I want to be everything I can’t seem to be.